How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce
Many divorces are not mutual decisions. Often, one spouse has been thinking about a divorce for a long time, while the other spouse is taken by surprise when the issue of divorce is raised. There is no easy way to tell your husband or wife that you want a divorce. Our Tennessee divorce lawyer has more than 30 years of experience helping spouses with the emotional and practical side of divorce, as well as the legal consequences of ending a marriage.
According to Psychology Today, the conversation where divorce is first discussed is likely to be a conversation both spouses will remember for their lifetimes. Kate Anthony, who runs a divorce podcast, has an online divorce coaching program and advises women about divorce. She says that by the time a spouse announces they want a divorce, there is no conversation. The statement that you want a divorce “is a declaration.” Spouses who announce their intention to divorce are not looking for permission or understanding.
Spouses should be aware of the following factors and use them wisely when telling their spouse it’s time to divorce and move to a new stage of their lives – separate and apart from each other.
Be certain about your decision
Divorce is a big decision, and it’s not one to take lightly. Take the time to reflect on whether you are sure you want to end your marriage. If possible, consider counseling if you believe you might be able to resolve some of the conflicts in your relationship. Think about your words ahead of time so that you know what you want to say and how to say it. Then, select a calm, private place to have the conversation without interruptions. Make sure you have enough time to talk.
Select the correct time to announce your divorce decision
Choose a time when the discussion can be conducted so that you can express all your thoughts. Try not to have the discussion when the children are likely to have needs, there’s a holiday or special occasion, or that might seem disrespectful. On the other hand, there’s usually never a perfect time. So, pick a time that works best for you.
Stay safe
If your relationship has been volatile or abusive, find a way to protect yourself. Consider a neutral location. While the discussion about divorce is usually private, holding the discussion in a public place or a place where you know a trusted family member is close by may be advisable. You could also consider holding the discussion when a counselor or therapist is present.
If you have concerns about abuse or violence, then you should discuss a safety plan (for you and your children) before you discuss divorce with your spouse – so you know immediately where to stay and what to do.
Approach the decision to divorce discussion with compassion
It’s not the time to start assigning blame. Express yourself by using “I” statements, and be direct but not harsh. Prepare for the possibility of a range of emotions – from anger to sadness or denial. Allow your spouse to process their emotions. Try to avoid blame so that your spouse knows the divorce is what you need. You want to avoid immediate conflicts and arguments, so try not to put your spouse on the defensive.
For example, Psychology Today recommends the following words, “I have been unhappy for such a long time, and nothing seems to help us improve our relationship. I am sorry to say this, but I have decided that I want a divorce.” Kate Anthony recommends including some positive thoughts to soften the blow, such as mentioning that the spouse is a wonderful parent (if that is true).
Stay calm and composed
Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Try to avoid being defensive. You might be emotional as well, but since you are the one who prepared for the conversation, try to take deep breaths and remain respectful. If you need to step away, do so and resume the conversation once your spouse has had time to deal with the potential shock.
Be ready for your spouse’s response to your divorce announcement
You probably have a fairly good idea of what your spouse’s reactions will be, but it helps to think through what his/her reactions will be before you make your announcement that you’re ready for a divorce. It helps to have your counter-reply ready. For example, Kate Anthony recommends saying, “I’m sorry you’re angry. I know this isn’t what you want. But this is my final decision.” Psychology Today recommends that you show that you care, but don’t do anything that would give your spouse false hope.
Be prepared to answer practical questions about your demand for a divorce
Your spouse may start to ask questions about who will live in your current home, how you will resolve financial issues, or where your children will spend the bulk of their time. Generally, you shouldn’t get into specifics. It’s better to say that you’ve spoken or would like to speak to a lawyer. You might mention that you might consider mediation or the collaborative divorce process if your lawyer agrees. Try to reassure them that you want to make the split as amicable as possible. Give your spouse some time to process the news, but don’t negotiate with yourself. Be firm about your decisions.
Consider professional support
You might want to consider communicating this news with the help of a mediator, marriage counselor, or divorce counselor. If you don’t have the chance to have your spouse attend some form of therapy with you, you may want to enlist the support of one for yourself. They may be able to help you work out the best way to approach the conversation and learn some language that might be more respectful and sensitive.
Take care of yourself
Going through a divorce is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Don’t forget to acknowledge the stress you are under, and be willing to ask for help and support from your family, friends, or professional counselors. The process takes time, but you will get to the other side.
Reach out to a divorce attorney today
There are a lot of legal considerations related to divorces. Couples accumulate assets – like your home, cars, and other property that you will need to divide. If you have children, you will need to work out parenting plans and logistical details for co-parenting. It’s likely that you haven’t thought of all the ways that you will need to disentangle yourself from your spouse as you work on moving forward.
The Law Offices of Adrian H. Altshuler & Associates can help you identify the best steps to take in your individual circumstances. We’re here to help you through this difficult transition in your life. Contact our Franklin divorce attorney today to schedule a consultation.