How to Leave a Toxic Marriage When You Have Children

Many parents struggle with the decision of whether to stay married if they have children when the love in the marriage is clearly gone. By staying in a toxic marriage, parents can create an especially difficult situation for the children who are witnessing and potentially normalizing abusive behaviors.

What is a toxic marriage?

Marriages end for many reasons. Examples include financial difficulties, marital affairs, and different viewpoints on what’s important in life. Marriages become toxic when one spouse is physically, mentally, sexually, or verbally abusive. Often, these relationships result in one spouse trying to control the other spouse or engaging in deceptive actions or gaslighting. Some of the signs that your marriage is toxic include depression, never wanting to be in the same room as your spouse, fear, anxiety, and constant stress.

As marriage/divorce counselor Kate Anthony writes: Staying in a toxic marriage means a spouse doesn’t live their life. It means a spouse doesn’t focus on a loving, caring relationship that affects not just their happiness but the happiness of the children – who can see what type of life their parents are living. Children may even see that a marriage is toxic before their parents do.

Why is a toxic marriage harmful?

The dangers of a toxic marriage often outweigh the risks. Yet, people may stay because they’re afraid of the disruption a marriage might cause to the family, and in particular, the children.

Some of the concerns about divorce include the following, according to Psychology Today:

• Anxiety, anger, and distress
• Fear
• Feelings of guilt or responsibility for the divorce
• Problems in school
• Behavioral and emotional difficulties, including the possibility of substance abuse and risk-taking behaviors

When people face the actual consequences of staying and the impact it might be having on their family, they may reassess whether it’s better to end the relationship.

Abusive relationships

According to Parents, a family publication, abusive relationships require immediate attention. Domestic abuse includes:

• Child abuse. A parent should never permit their child to suffer physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by the other parent.
• Spousal abuse. Spouses should never stay with someone who is abusing them/the spouse – physically, sexually, or emotionally. That type of relationship is dangerous and harmful for both the abused spouse and any children.

Instances of physical and sexual abuse require immediate intervention. If you feel threatened, reach out to law enforcement and consider options like a protective order to provide some security. Your family law attorney can also help you work on a long-term plan that will offer you and your children protection.

The dangers of staying together in a toxic relationship

Toxic marriages can harm children in many ways, including the following:

• Damaging a child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Every parent should want their child to feel that they’re worthy and a good person to spend time with.
• Affecting the ability of a child to develop and maintain friendships and relationships. Children who don’t have healthy relationships with their parents are likely to have unhealthy relationships with others, including their own children, later in life.
• Causing a child to be unable to trust other adults. This loss of trust will be directly traceable to the child’s loss of trust in their own parents.
• Affecting the child’s ability to understand and cope with their emotions. Denying that there is a problem between parents can make it difficult for a child to express their feelings. Children may think that it’s better to hide how upset they are, rather than manage their emotions.
• Setting a poor example. Do you want your child to think it’s OK to stay in a bad relationship, especially a relationship that is toxic?

Other dangers of staying in a toxic marriage instead of addressing the conflicts or seeking a divorce include:

• Postponing the inevitable. Delaying a divorce only gives the toxic relationship time to deepen so it becomes harder to move forward when the divorce or separation finally happens.
• Children need to know it’s not their fault. The child must understand that they are not the cause of the conflict. It might be necessary to enlist the help of a professional therapist to work through their feelings.
• An undeserved sense of responsibility. Children should live their own lives with schoolmates, children their own age, and other family members. Children shouldn’t be burdened with the responsibility and guilt of trying to mend their parents’ problems.

Psychology Today states that children of divorce can prosper and lead fulfilling lives if they receive proper care from one or both parents and professional childcare counselors, if necessary. Divorce can protect your children and make them:

• Feel safe and secure
• Respect their parents
• See that both parents are focusing on what’s best for their children and not their anger towards each other
• Feel that their parents empower their children
• Appreciate that their parents teach their children how to solve problems
• Understand that there’s a social support network that includes other family members, neighbors, and the local community

How do family lawyers help spouses assert their rights and protect their children when a marriage is toxic?

The law can serve to protect the rights and interests of those going through a divorce. However, not everyone knows how to assert those rights, and it often takes the guidance and support of a skilled family lawyer to protect a person going through this type of life transition. A divorce also impacts the financial future of the divorcing spouse and child(ren). Lawyers aim to obtain strong settlements/court decisions, determine the fair division of the family property, advise on what alimony a spouse can and should receive, explain the amount of child support the other parent should pay, and help parents through other aspects of their custody decisions and visitation arrangements.

To discuss your right to a divorce and protect yourself and your children, call The Law Offices of Adrian H. Altshuler and Associates or use our contact form to schedule an appointment. We represent spouses and children in and around Franklin, Columbia, and Brentwood, Tennessee.